Reading, once again, this canard given as an advice : “In a D/s relationship, it’s ultimately the submissive who holds power”. The idea is twofold : the Dominant cannot be a Dominant without a submissive, so He’s dependent on her, and since the submissive can withdraw her consent at any time she’s ultimately the one who decides what is done and what isn’t.
No, no, no, and no! The Dominant cannot be a Dominant without a submissive, but the submissive cannot be a submissive without a Dominant, either. And she desires to be a submissive as much as He desires to be a Dominant. If not more. And the Dominant too decides what He wants to do and what He doesn’t want to do, so nothing gets done without His consent, either. So, all other things being equal, the Dominant and the submissive are, in the best case scenario, on an equal footing.
But, precisely, all other things *aren’t* equal. The submissive usually has a deep desire to serve and to please. The Dominant a deep desire to be obeyed and to lead. He tends to aim for absolute power over the submissive, she tends to offer herself in all her vulnerability. The very dynamic of the relationship leads to her particularly valuing His opinions, letting Him mold her mind, leaving the decision making to Him, wanting to satisfy His needs, adapting to His preferences. It’s called “power exchange” for a reason : she’ll likely not just to accept, but to *want* to be deprived of power.
And on top of all this, the Dominant is likely to master the tools of the trade: understanding His submissive’s mind, using words well, figuring out how to manipulate her, leading her where He wants her to be, playing mind games, sparking her emotions, discovering what buttons He can push. Being Dominant.
Knowing that, I’m not sure how people can come to the conclusion that the submissive is likely to be the one holding power in a D/s relationship. Even though, yes, it *could* happen, or the relationship *could* be between equals, stating that as a general rule, this is what is going to happen is nothing more than wishful thinking and feel good “advice”. But then again, if a submissive wants to walk into such a relationship with the idea that it’s totally safe because, ah!ah!, in truth it will be her who will lead the show, be my guest. Just don’t be surprised if you end up discovering that you were sorely mistaken.